Gentlemen,

I’ve been silent for some time– while the beards have been growing along at their own pace, I reckon it’s time to put a hand on the wheel and true the direction of this ship. We’ve had a few casualties, including one of the nicest beards I’ve ever seen, so I can’t help but to speak some words of encouragement so that no more brothers will be lost un-needed.

  The first order of business has to be maintenance then – we’re undoubtedly beyond the point where you have your food’s entry into your mouth thwarted by a thick mustache who insists on bathing in your meals before you eat them.     There’s a few options for helping those chicken wings break through your beard’s defensive line relatively unmolested.

1.)    Mustache wax.   Not going to be the most popular option, but leaves you with the most authentic beard.  It might not be incredibly effective, and might leave your ale with a slight lemon flavor, but a properly waxed mustache can be gathered out of the way pretty effectively. This is my method for the first time – antiquated and bold.  Use lots of napkins with meals.

2.)    Trimming.  Now, this is going to take some know-how.  Don’t just grab trimmers, set them to a desired length, and start buzzing, because you’re going to want all of your mustache hairs at variable lengths for the richest mustache possible. You don’t want your beard too bottom-heavy, it will look saggy and weak!   A powerful mustache is important to keep focus near the center of your face, so do all you can to encourage it.

·         Be very sure your beard is fully dried before trimming, clean, and combed as straight as you can manage. A wet beard will be longer, so if you trim it when damp it will dry and ‘shrink’; then you’ll be left with your lips looking like this.

 Now, get some small scissors and cut along the shape of your lip .  If your upper lip is those shoes and the pants are your stache, you don’t want to be showing any skin between.  By just cutting along this line, you’re letting the hairs closer to your nose grow longer, so you have a nice, think, layered foliage. You can let the hairs that grow outside your lips continue long, un-cut… then can then blend in with the rest of your beard, or be waxed and curled. The best of both worlds!

This same advice goes for your chin hair. You can have your beard trimmed short and neat between your chin and adam’s apple, while the hair from your bottom lip to your chin grow long and lay over-top.  I’ll refer you back to a striking image from our first entry: it should make a lot more sense in retrospection, how he’s artfully layered his beard into a thick, regal, yet short and well maintained beard.  A masterpiece.

Wet, comb, and dry your beard again after trimming to make sure you have straight, clean lines.

Now, you don’t have to have a nearly trimmed beard, all of that advice is just to help with those of a more ‘professional’ mind-set.  You can also be a professional bad-ass.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room:

I mean, obviously no one is going to look like this by March 16 (sorry to break it to you),  but there is a beard ideology here worth thinking about.  These beards are a wild and unabashed act of freedom, and a brazen display of a lack of social constraint.  While you may not have a beard down to your nipples by March, you can follow their lead and just let it go.    Your feral mane might offend some people;  you might be snubbed and disregarded by the bourgeois, and some women might think you foul,  but isn’t that the point??  Screw them.  Use your beard as its own napkin. If your beard insists on wading in chicken grease and beer foam like a Viking marauder through blood and glory,  let it.   Get rid of your beard comb, and bring that St. Baldrick’s bastard with the scissors to battle. When they insist on standing over the butchered devastation of your beard, make them bleed in the brambly tangle first.  



I hope you’ve all found a glimpse of your beard-destiny by now,  time is running short…

PS. We should take more group photos this week.  I’ll get ahold of the photographer, and field any location ideas. 

The Symbol of Santa

 Season’s Greetings!

Your beard is nearly 2 months old now;  tell me, how is it enjoying its first holiday season?? Does it enjoy bathing in mulled wine, hot toddies, and eggnog?  Relish this time of year, because your beard is truly in its element right now.  Every time you slip a sweater over your head, think of your beard gleefully bouncing out of the collar with that flick of your chin.  And speaking of sweaters – have you noticed how those knitted monstrosities that always made you look either 12 years old or like Bill Cosby now look GOOD on you?   Have you noticed how when you comb your hair and put on your blazer, you don’t feel like a JC penny magazine reject or a car salesman, but Ernest Hemingway?

So sit by the fire and tell your nieces and nephews about some of your adventures while you sip that glass of brandy or whittle on that piece of oak that’s going to be a knife handle, pipe, or maybe an elephant?  Because although you’ve been working on it for a month, you haven’t decided what you’re making. The result isn’t what matters, it’s the creation…

Or maybe you could tell them a story about Santa Claus, old St. Nick, who spread joy to children in need during a dark and cold time – he assures them that in this big scary world, they are not forgotten. But don’t forget to mention one thing about him: his ancient and great beard.  Do you know why that’s important? Because without it,  he’d come off as a huge pedophile.

Awwwwkwaaaard

Santa’s beard isn't just some detail to the story;  it’s crucial to his actual character, because it GIVES him character. Some man running around putting children on his lap? Sneaking into their homes for milk and cookies, a stranger giving things to your children?  It’s kind of a terrifying thought… but the beard! Oh, that great grey beard! It is what marks his mission not as a crazed afterthought or impulse of sick passion, but one of resolution, resolve, and morality. With a beard that long,  the amount of time and patience it took to grow, the careful grooming …  certainly those are signs of wisdom, signs of a lifestyle and knowledge that has sustained this man. 

What it comes down to is that a man who wears a beard wears his heart on his sleeve, and his soul on his face. You can look into it, and be sure of an extent of honesty.


  There is an ineffable trustworthiness leant by a good, purposeful, and hard-earned beard.  So take care of yourself.  Moisturize, towel dry, comb, and maybe look into a little present for your beard – some scented oil perhaps?

Power Beards

We have some rare and beautiful rainy weather, so I hope your beards protect your face well.
That’s right, I said “beards” – last Sunday I was drinking a white Russian, and the foam got stuck in my moustache – that achievement signaled that I now have a level 1 beard by technicality, no longer just “facial hair”.   It’s lowly and thin, and I have a head-start of a week growth on a lot of you (I just couldn’t bring myself to shave on the 1^st…), but tomorrow you can all wake up in the morning with a ONE MONTH OLD beard!!   Can you believe it??   You can look in the mirror and see for yourself that we’re just now really beginning, and I hope you can all see the inadequacy of just one month for something like this *cough* movember *cough*.     4 months sounded like a long time, but now that I realize we’re already 25% done, I’m already dreading shave-day…

Let’s be honest – beards have a niche spot in our culture at the moment. Though we live in the age of the razor, I sense a sea-change right around the corner. After so many years of males with bald faces, there are some beards that are really making a big impact on people – our national identity is gorged on barbered men with soft pink cheeks and curvy feminine chins, we are fattened on it and apathetic. The time is ripe for the renewed and primal culture of beards.  With the advent of photo-sharing, memes, youtube, social networking, and HD TV, celebrities and sports figures permeate our cultural awareness to an unprecedented level.    Sports seem to touch something instinctual and primitive in us – it’s men competing for alpha-male on a grand scale, with more money fame and prestige than any other field in America(sadly).  And with the voyeuristic eye of America on every single one of these athletes, it’s not just a contest of performance;  it’s a contest of entertainment, personality, intimidation, and image, and the beard seems to be the perfect piece of equipment.  So let’s jump into some beards in sports. 

We’re going to take a break from looking at everyman beards, and revel in some alpha-beards.  These things are brute weapons of force, grown and worn to intimidate and inspire.  These aren’t the beards of King Aragorn, they’re the beards of King Conan.   

 A couple men have figured out that a beard makes them a much more visceral force in their field –

Brian Wilson

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Executioner

 

Without his beard, Brian Wilson was a guy who came out to close for Lincecum. WITH the beard, he has become a fan favorite-- a celebrity, rallying point, spokeman, and  team icon. 

 

Wilson dies his beard pitch-black and often trims it VERY neatly in perfect lines, which makes it look like a piece of plastic or a wig glued to his face, and the effect is very powerful. The second he shaves off his beard, Wilson will fade off to obscurity – but for now, his success as a baseball icon is practically unmatched.  With this beard as inspiration, the team has won two world series.  Without it, they hadn’t won since 1954. 

Now let’s move on the the ultimate of power-beards…

Brett Keisel  

 

Team: Pittsburg Steelers

Position: Marauder

Keisel has the beard of an ancient Cimbri warrior – it is so utterly intimidating it overshadows the fact that the man is 6’5 and 285 lbs. 

 

The dichotomy here is shocking. Shaven, this man looks like an overgrown dunce; bearded, a storm titan.  I also really like what he’s done with his beard stylistically (or maybe he’s just really luck with natural form as well as natural bounty?) His winged moustache is HUGE, and the curves beautiful. He doesn’t trim it, and the shape and form it gives his beard is classic and true.   The hair under his lip is grown long to match, for an overall “angular” feel to the beard. I also imagine he trims the sides to emphasize this.    

I meant to segue into the proud culture and mental impact of playoff beards, but I got a bit carried away here.  We won’t see any beards like these in our measly 4 months, but they are truly inspiring and exciting– when the world of sports is inevitably dominated by a battle of beards, these men will be remembered for their brazen vanguard.

Notable mentions:
James Harden
Kimbo Slice

Matt Light

Thanksgiving

Greetings my stubbly brothers!
It’s the weekend in which most of us will be enjoying time with our family or friends – but don’t forget and neglect your newborn family member; it’s a poor twisted baby whose growth has already been stunted by years and years of razor attacks and thousands of amputations.  Due to this it’s small and weak—it can’t fight for itself yet and needs your complete love and protection from the potential assault of the family members who “love” you.  It has a sad past history, but don’t worry: your beard never left you, no matter how many times it was cut down in malice.  Your beard forgives you, and has been preparing itself for its release of imprisonment; since you were 15 it has only gotten stronger and stronger, and is finally ready to display itself proudly on your visage.    

Eat well for it– make sure you get lots of protein and whiskey this weekend to help your little guy grow up big and strong;  you might even get one on your chest!

Everyman's Beard

Gentlemen,

We have a lot to discuss here today; with thanksgiving around the corner, and family gatherings, I’m predicting a few bumps in the beard brotherhood (but maybe I’m not giving you enough credit??)  So I’m going to start off this e-mail with a little re-enforcement of the importance of perseverance (I know, I talk about this a lot… but this really has to be the foundation that your beard is built upon.)

As with most things in life, context is key. So before deconstructing his beard, I’m going to talk a little about Keanu Reeves, and why he’s such a good beard role model, and a beard philanthropist. Keanu Reeves, besides being immortal ( http://www.keanuisimmortal.com/ ), is probably the most unrealistically kind and generous celebrity alive.

My friend James grew up in Hawaii and has told me stories about Keanu’s family (extended family maybe?), who lives in the same town.  They are friends with everybody in the neighborhood, and leave their kitchen door open with food prepared. They host big dinners and treat everybody to meals with Keanu movies come out.  And as it turns out, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.   The Matrix trilogy, incredibly successful and most excellent movies, earned Keanu a potential 75 million dollars that he never saw: guess why? He gave it to the costume and special effects team, because he thought they deserved it (they did).  One person recounts the story of when he was a set builder on a Keanu movie; Reeves took all of the “grunt workers” out for breakfast and lunch for the last few weeks of filming.  Keanu denied money on his salary in Devil’sAdvocate so they could hire Al Pacino. Same with The Replacements.  He bought the entire stunt team of the Matrix sequels Harleys. He talks to and wants to know the names of all of the set designers and stage hands on his films.  Helps strangers with broken down cars.  Etc…  

One of his kindest acts though was painfully growing through a seemingly hopeless beard, and he did it for you. 
Let’s take a look at this… (exhibit A)

And now let’s look at him with a few weeks’ growth. (exhibit B)

Well, sure it helps that he’s Keanu Reeves and handsome as shit with a great head of hair—it’s sometimes hard to empathize with famous rich people, but let’s show him the same generosity he’s shown others and look at him just as a person.  Now, Keanu has a face that looks exceptionally better with a beard (all do), and he obviously wants one. But… his beard is no 'Robin Williams', and nothing he can do can change that. His mustache will never connect to his cheeks, and there is a huge gap between his sideburns/cheeks (which themselves look more like a doughnut than a beard) and his goatee area.    Most of you have maybe grown a “beard” out to the point in this picture, carefully and excruciatingly picked it apart in the mirror while bringing yourself to a new low of self-depreciation, then shaved it off in defeat, telling yourself “I tried”.   Imagine how much stronger this urge would be if you were on TV, going to award shows, and followed by paparazzi. Imagine if it wasn't just that little voice in your head telling you “You can’t do it” but also anonymous dickheads on the internet making comments on eonline.com and headlines of The Sun (or whatever those magazines are in supermarket checkout lines).

Keanu Reeves didn’t do that – he decided that, like those stuntmen and prop designers, his beard deserved some respect.   

-          (Exhibit C)

 

Now his beard isn’t ‘perfect’, but it’s HIM – and it’s the uniqueness and character of every beard that make them beautiful. So his mustache doesn't connect to his cheeks… but you know what? I think that makes his mustache stand out and look awesome. It gives it shape. Some mustaches don’t connect in the middle – that’s pretty cool,  it’s like having really bright blue eyes: it’s not normal, but it’s unique.  Call me an idealist.

(exhibit D – the miracle)

So, Thanksgiving is right around the corner – less than a week from today we’ll be sitting around with the family we haven’t seen in a year, taking pictures. You feel some sort of illogical obligation to shave for your family, but it’s not there. You've shaved every thanksgiving for your whole adult life, but no one is asking it of you. People might make a few cracks, but it’s just because family meetings are weird and they’re trying to make conversation. DO NOT pick up a razor and mutilate yourself in a petty and weak need for acceptance. Have dignity, and stick to your goal.  Be proud. Right now, referring to exhibit C, we’re at about that first picture on the far left – if you shave? You’ll just have to do it again, and constantly be 3 weeks behind everyone else’s beard; you’ll feel terrible, alone, and cowardly. Rightfully so. Sorry to be harsh brother, but I’d better get it out now just in case.

I don’t like to discuss superman beards here – beards like George Clooney’s, Zach Galifinakis’, or Brian Wilson’s (the giant, not the beach boy --though I will talk about that particular beard later for different reasons).  These men just have super thick amazing beards that look good from day 1 onwards – they don’t really serve a purpose for inspiration because they are impossible to relate to.  Because I’m not mentioning them, don’t take that to mean they’re not great.  But while we’re talking about the beard underdogs here, let’s take a look at one more man who overcame some obvious adversity – I won’t say anything about it, let’s just let the pictures speak for themselves: Heath Ledger.

And here’s a little eye candy to leave you with. 

Growing the Beard

Some of you might be a little itchy right now. Remember when you were 13 and experiencing a lot of “weird and uncomfortable sensations”? Would you rather be an adult man-child to spare yourself that past discomfort? You may laugh and say to yourself ‘no of course not’ – but before you dismiss the point, I want to hit home that right now, without beards, we ARE just giant boys ‘playing the adult game’. So, while this phase is awkward, we will come out of it as more experienced, evolved, and dignified creatures.

Now, the theme of today’s e-mail is “Growing the Beard”  -- we’ll be looking at Jedi Masters, Starfleet commanders, and the idea of transition.

From the article at  http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GrowingTheBeard 
“Growing the Beard is the definitive moment when a television series begins to become noticeably better in quality. […]The key to this trope is seeing a dramatic "before and after" difference along the life of a series. The element can sometimes be attributed to a single, outstanding episode that defines the show. Other times it is just a general improvement, like Star Trek: The Next Generation.”

-- When it was decided to give Riker a beard, it was a moment for them to turn the show around – their new bearded direction lead the series to become one of the most popular and enduring television shows ever made. 




Now the article is about TV shows “finding themselves”,  going through a transition and some soul searching, and coming out of this transition far superior;  this TV trope happens to be very convenient and literally true for us.

So let’s take a look at Commander Riker’s beard itself and forget about the context. He’s got a great strategy for a “full beard” for someone who may not be able to fill out their cheeks. This is the most extreme example of his ‘low dip’ that I can find (and note his good bottom jaw-line, cut  in a pleasant loop that draws the ears to right above the adams apple, not along the jawline):




None of us can deny how much more regal and commanding Riker is WITH rather than WITHOUT his beard.  In the picture above with no beard, he looks like a freshmen in Starfleet, or like he should be working at In’n’out burger in a silly hat making milkshakes –  when you look at the man with a beard, you want to snap to his orders and then have a synth-ale with him later in ten-forward.    Remember when I told you about choosing a “beard hero” and putting him in your cube? Who do you think Data’s “beard hero” was?   And I quote:

“DATA: It is a beard, Geordi. A fine, full, dignified beard. One which commands respect and projects thoughtfulness and dignity. Well? Opinions?

DATA: When I stroke the beard thusly, do I not appear more intellectual? “

PART 2: JEDI MASTERS

Now, a challenge when making the Star Wars prequels was “how do we take this one actor, and turn him from a green, underling novice, into a jedi master??”
Sure, his hair goes through some styles, but the real character growth is based off of his beard -- there is no other physical attribute linked to wisdom.  No man can be taken seriously as a wizard or a jedi master with a slick, bald face.

And when Disney makes Episode VII in 2014,  which one of these looks do you think they’re going to go with?  If you could meet Mark Hamill right now, which look would YOU tell him to go with??  Would you believe in a man teaching you the secrets of the universe if he looks like he should be bringing you coffee?

A beard can't exist on a man's face unless that man went through the proper transformation to bring it there.  It's what truly marks the difference and the caliber OF that man -- it's why when you look at these Jedi Masters with their beards and compare their stature to their beardless selves, it measures above in some in-effible quality.  Every human is born with a clean face, and what seperates the men from the boys is the EVENT of growing that beard, not the ability to do so.

Remember, a caterpillar may not look forward to going into a caccoon, but when he emerges as a beautiful winged butterfly, soaring in the skies, do you think he regrets it?  KEEP LOOKING TO THE ENDGAME.   

Beard 101

Greetings brethren,

Today is the first day and I know all of us are excited, and maybe some are even a little nervous! Patience and persistence are going to be you main weapons here (and what better qualities make a man??). To kick start this event with the right mindset,  I’m going to go  over a few example beards to show you what to expect, and give you a little advice to help you plan.  I've ruined a few beards before, and on this timeline I don’t want you making the same mistakes. 

Let’s start with a famous beard here, and some advice to take from it: Aragorn – Ranger of the North, Heir of Isildur, King of Arnor and Gondor, etc…

In “fellowship of the ring”, Aragorn has what is the borderline between a beard and stubble.  This is what to expect after about 4 or 5 weeks, and this is where the majority of guys look in the mirror and say “I can’t grow a beard…” and shave it off, like a man going to the gym for the first time and being disappointed he couldn't immediately bench 200 lbs like he assumed he could. I’m willing to bet this is the case with 9 out of 10 men. We've all done this at one point, and just given up. Let’s look closely at his facial hair here – it’s patchy. Watch the movie. A large piece of his cheeks appears empty, and his chin looks pretty much bald.  But it looks good, right?? Trust me, YOU NOTICE these things more than anyone else.   What’s important is not to shave the parts that appear “weak” or “bald” to you.  YOU WILL NEED THEM.

Let’s move to exhibit B and see what happens when you stick with it…

Here’s a beard you can achieve probably around the beginning of month 3 or maybe mid-late month 2. 
As you see, he’s grown right through and over that bald spot on his chin and the patchiness of his mustache. Sure, his cheeks are pretty bare but it looks great.  He’s trimmed to suit the beard that he grows – the cheeks are cut short and taper to his goatee area.  His mustache is very long, the top hairs grow down to his lip where everything is then trimmed away, and his “soul patch” and chin hair is also quite long – probably twice the length of the rest of his beard then trimmed under the chin to give it shape.    We can’t all do this exactly, but I think Viggo Mortenson and Aragorn are both pretty great examples of what proper patience and grooming strategy can do for you.
A couple beards ago, I shaved the top of my cheeks to “clean it up” a bit while it was growing, and I ended up shaving hair that is VERY CRUCIAL for growing over the bald spots on my chin. It was a beard-ending disaster.

TLDR: Don’t shave for at least 4 weeks unless maybe it’s VERY high on the cheeks and obvious, or maybe below the adams apple.

Speaking of adams apple and early shaving mistakes, this is VERY IMPORTANT.  It’s regarding your neck line, and how crucial it is not to cut this away. 
http://www.beards.org/neck.php
Here’s a quick picture of where a lot of men make the mistake of cutting their beards – doing so leaves that flap of skin under the red line bare and can make your face look flabby or rooster-like. You can also never have a “full beard” with that neck-line.

Now a couple pieces of advice and we’re done!  – print out a beard you really like, and hang it in your cube for motivation. It sounds silly but can really make a difference in getting you through some of those “bad beard days”.  
Here’s a couple of my favorites that I keep in the back of my head:

Jojoba oil, which you can go pick up at I think world market or trader joe’s, is smooth on the skin and should help soften and perhaps straighten your beard while it grows. It will also help in case you get itching.  Shampoo and conditioning will also be very important (!) but maybe not for a few weeks.    You can get biotin pills in the supermarket, which will help your hair come in thicker and fuller.

That’s all for now! Mentally prepare, get pumped, and DON’T SHAVE OR EVEN TRIM YET!