The Symbol of Santa

 Season’s Greetings!

Your beard is nearly 2 months old now;  tell me, how is it enjoying its first holiday season?? Does it enjoy bathing in mulled wine, hot toddies, and eggnog?  Relish this time of year, because your beard is truly in its element right now.  Every time you slip a sweater over your head, think of your beard gleefully bouncing out of the collar with that flick of your chin.  And speaking of sweaters – have you noticed how those knitted monstrosities that always made you look either 12 years old or like Bill Cosby now look GOOD on you?   Have you noticed how when you comb your hair and put on your blazer, you don’t feel like a JC penny magazine reject or a car salesman, but Ernest Hemingway?

So sit by the fire and tell your nieces and nephews about some of your adventures while you sip that glass of brandy or whittle on that piece of oak that’s going to be a knife handle, pipe, or maybe an elephant?  Because although you’ve been working on it for a month, you haven’t decided what you’re making. The result isn’t what matters, it’s the creation…

Or maybe you could tell them a story about Santa Claus, old St. Nick, who spread joy to children in need during a dark and cold time – he assures them that in this big scary world, they are not forgotten. But don’t forget to mention one thing about him: his ancient and great beard.  Do you know why that’s important? Because without it,  he’d come off as a huge pedophile.

Awwwwkwaaaard

Santa’s beard isn't just some detail to the story;  it’s crucial to his actual character, because it GIVES him character. Some man running around putting children on his lap? Sneaking into their homes for milk and cookies, a stranger giving things to your children?  It’s kind of a terrifying thought… but the beard! Oh, that great grey beard! It is what marks his mission not as a crazed afterthought or impulse of sick passion, but one of resolution, resolve, and morality. With a beard that long,  the amount of time and patience it took to grow, the careful grooming …  certainly those are signs of wisdom, signs of a lifestyle and knowledge that has sustained this man. 

What it comes down to is that a man who wears a beard wears his heart on his sleeve, and his soul on his face. You can look into it, and be sure of an extent of honesty.


  There is an ineffable trustworthiness leant by a good, purposeful, and hard-earned beard.  So take care of yourself.  Moisturize, towel dry, comb, and maybe look into a little present for your beard – some scented oil perhaps?

Power Beards

We have some rare and beautiful rainy weather, so I hope your beards protect your face well.
That’s right, I said “beards” – last Sunday I was drinking a white Russian, and the foam got stuck in my moustache – that achievement signaled that I now have a level 1 beard by technicality, no longer just “facial hair”.   It’s lowly and thin, and I have a head-start of a week growth on a lot of you (I just couldn’t bring myself to shave on the 1^st…), but tomorrow you can all wake up in the morning with a ONE MONTH OLD beard!!   Can you believe it??   You can look in the mirror and see for yourself that we’re just now really beginning, and I hope you can all see the inadequacy of just one month for something like this *cough* movember *cough*.     4 months sounded like a long time, but now that I realize we’re already 25% done, I’m already dreading shave-day…

Let’s be honest – beards have a niche spot in our culture at the moment. Though we live in the age of the razor, I sense a sea-change right around the corner. After so many years of males with bald faces, there are some beards that are really making a big impact on people – our national identity is gorged on barbered men with soft pink cheeks and curvy feminine chins, we are fattened on it and apathetic. The time is ripe for the renewed and primal culture of beards.  With the advent of photo-sharing, memes, youtube, social networking, and HD TV, celebrities and sports figures permeate our cultural awareness to an unprecedented level.    Sports seem to touch something instinctual and primitive in us – it’s men competing for alpha-male on a grand scale, with more money fame and prestige than any other field in America(sadly).  And with the voyeuristic eye of America on every single one of these athletes, it’s not just a contest of performance;  it’s a contest of entertainment, personality, intimidation, and image, and the beard seems to be the perfect piece of equipment.  So let’s jump into some beards in sports. 

We’re going to take a break from looking at everyman beards, and revel in some alpha-beards.  These things are brute weapons of force, grown and worn to intimidate and inspire.  These aren’t the beards of King Aragorn, they’re the beards of King Conan.   

 A couple men have figured out that a beard makes them a much more visceral force in their field –

Brian Wilson

Team: San Francisco Giants

Position: Executioner

 

Without his beard, Brian Wilson was a guy who came out to close for Lincecum. WITH the beard, he has become a fan favorite-- a celebrity, rallying point, spokeman, and  team icon. 

 

Wilson dies his beard pitch-black and often trims it VERY neatly in perfect lines, which makes it look like a piece of plastic or a wig glued to his face, and the effect is very powerful. The second he shaves off his beard, Wilson will fade off to obscurity – but for now, his success as a baseball icon is practically unmatched.  With this beard as inspiration, the team has won two world series.  Without it, they hadn’t won since 1954. 

Now let’s move on the the ultimate of power-beards…

Brett Keisel  

 

Team: Pittsburg Steelers

Position: Marauder

Keisel has the beard of an ancient Cimbri warrior – it is so utterly intimidating it overshadows the fact that the man is 6’5 and 285 lbs. 

 

The dichotomy here is shocking. Shaven, this man looks like an overgrown dunce; bearded, a storm titan.  I also really like what he’s done with his beard stylistically (or maybe he’s just really luck with natural form as well as natural bounty?) His winged moustache is HUGE, and the curves beautiful. He doesn’t trim it, and the shape and form it gives his beard is classic and true.   The hair under his lip is grown long to match, for an overall “angular” feel to the beard. I also imagine he trims the sides to emphasize this.    

I meant to segue into the proud culture and mental impact of playoff beards, but I got a bit carried away here.  We won’t see any beards like these in our measly 4 months, but they are truly inspiring and exciting– when the world of sports is inevitably dominated by a battle of beards, these men will be remembered for their brazen vanguard.

Notable mentions:
James Harden
Kimbo Slice

Matt Light